They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
