I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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