it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I want a musical about memes.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
