96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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