I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
