dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
