just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
