Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
