Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
