Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
