i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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