the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
