so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
