Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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