I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
