haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
