Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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