I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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