dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
