I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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