So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
