they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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