maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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