you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
smell my finger.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
