arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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