I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
