if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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