Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
