garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
