My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
