I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
