girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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