it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
