remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
