his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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