Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
