so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
