bring money and cleavage
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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