I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
