Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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