did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
