i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
