i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
