If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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