When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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