I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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