When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
