i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
