I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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