I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize