New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
