Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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