I feel like I'm in dance class right now
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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