You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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