a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
