Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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