I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
