3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
